Sunday, October 24, 2010

i need to find the confidence which i once had, back.
it has been 4 mths since i've commissioned. many things has happened. i feel that i've lost myself in army especially since going through officer cadet school and comissioning as an officer. i'm currently on course now back in safti. i can't help but feel helpless in the course. not much i can offer since i've lost myself somewhere along the way. i rmb the first few weeks of cadet days, a fellow cadet kept asking why i'm always smiling to myself and i replied its natural for me to be happy. since then when he saw me along the corridor, he called me mr happy smiley man. i can still rmb those days. but now when i look at myself, i seldom talk nor smile anymore. i wonder how i lost myself so much. before army i used to be a very happy man, smiling and taking life as it came, making friends all around. now, i'm a very moody person who became a pessimist too. i do not like the person i become and i wonder if that was the cost of officership, to lose all emotions. i mentioned in bmt that i was a very people oriented person, who is very epathetic to their feelings but now, i'mhave a nonchalant attitude abt everything. i do not like the person i've become. i have to change. maybe somehow back on course i feel inferior to the regulars and also the infantry trained personnel. urg. maybe the first step is that i shall smile more. and from there i'll slowly find the path back to my old self.